oh, goods

So I feel pretty great. Some stranger rambling as I came across him yelled at me, “You’re beautiful.” To which I smile-frowned politely and nodded my head in acknowledgement—slightly, imperceptibly.

And it’s sunny outside. hmm, lists…

+ sun
+ vanity validated
+ a sense of renewal – spring

– basil leaves decimated, though still alive
– bike stolen
– lukewarmth



I’m currently immobilized by my Imminent Doom.
Dangerously optimistic; that I’ll see the other side of this, largely unscathed (debatable).
In fact, I feel like a crazy person, vacillating between eager anticipation for Long Beach and overwhelming despair for the more immediate finals doom.

I wish I were a robot. Then everything would function as a logical conclusion of some organized premise.
Instead of all this seemingly haphazard set of whims and extremes.
But everything is the logical conclusion of my haphazard whims…

I guess I am a robot. Just a haphazardly functional one.

Oh, beep bop boop.

Perspectives (I seem to really like that word)

Just finished watching “Gigantic” (2008) with two friends and it concluded with differing opinions. They dismissed it as unrealistic and unrelatable with caricatures instead of real characters. On the surface, yeah, I get that. With a cast of Zooey Deschanel and Paul Dano and the end credits rolling to “Did You See the Words” by Animal Collective, it’s easy to dismiss it as indie hype-shit bullshit.

The characters weren’t easy to decipher—their motivations, their judgments, even the expressions on their faces. But there’s something in that difficulty that just intrigues the hell outta me. Instead of chalking it up to a nonsense movie, I liked how the stoicism and silences leave it up to interpretation. It wasn’t slow, inasmuch as it was withholding. I think conventional audiences have just been spoiled; movies have allowed us access to main characters’ psyches too easily in order to compel you to sympathize with their circumstances. I’ve recently seen “Black Swan”, “The Kids Are Alright”, and “The Wrestler”. The characters in said movies were “real” because they tell you all the convincing lies/excuses they tell themselves to justify who they are. And you believe it as much as they do, or at least forgive them their lack of self-awareness.

With the characters in “Gigantic,” there was clearly something fucked up in certain characters, but only so slightly alluded to that it can be frustrating to be left with that ambiguity. But I found the not-so-subtle neuroticisms amusing instead. (revealing of differing perspectives) The question of resolution is heavily up to interpretation too. A clear one, or any at all, would be nice, but I guess that’s just not the case with this movie.

There’s something to elusive personalities that I’m just strangely attracted to: the challenge of understanding the enigma. Also, the elusive, almost haphazard* style of the movie reminds me of my personal approach to art, to anything I’ve created. I make something with a decent amount of forethought to be aesthetically acceptable enough, but then later realize many various meanings and interpretations that it could take. Making art is easy, accepting it is hard.

But then again, maybe this is all just a bunch of bullshit after all.

* haphazard in seeming incomplete in developing characters


I’m about to turn 21 and I just bought another pack of Nat Sherms after half-heartedly deciding I would start running again. Revealing of my decisions as half-baked; convictions,  half-assed.

My social connections are callous—made and kept out of convenience.

Relations with the family are also half-assed, obligations are executed with a callous marginality—they’re seen peripheral.

Addictions run rampant; cigs, social networking, working, procrastinating, carbs.
With a careless disregard for health; no exercising, sleep is not a priority, my lungs.

My passivity is becoming very dangerous. External events are challenging my perception of control over my own life.

I seek out challenge, aim for balance, ultimately to develop as someone dynamic.
But life is currently in an overwhelming flux. thus, panicked.


Is it just me or is our society in a bit more of a flux than usual?
National/Political Privacy issues, Google’s monopolozing information, internet culture in general

Maybe I just need to buy a new pack of cigs and fugehdaboudit…

Step 1: Identifying the problem. (or “Troubles”)

I need to reassess my priorities.
I’m legitimately failing a class,
an important one for my major, at that.

I’m over-caffeinated, overworked, and sleep-deprived.
All self-inflicted, of course.

I have nothing to blame but myself.
All plans, yet not follow-through.
And I’m too proud to consult anyone else.
…all bad.

I must reassess my priorities.

afloat (draft)

//edit: this post is wrong. The more I think about it, the more the terms should be switched. …but it’s worth not deleting as a post because it’s pretty revealing of my tendency to go against the grain—instead of being categorized as another college student “coasting,” I wanted to be considered in different terms.

But I’m just the same, we’re all the saaaameeeee


I find myself coasting again. Except coasting, as a college term, proffers a sense of confident lackadaisy.

I think a more appropriate word for my funk is “floating.”
It requires little/no effort, letting the current take me along. But there’s still the danger of going under…

I thought I was content before. Now, I feel like I’m failing to achieve something else, something outside of what I’ve already experienced. something “greater” in a sense. I’m just not lining up to who I thought I’d be by now.

The usual remedy:

  • looking up menial jobs on craigslist, germany
  • planning out the rest of my course plan
  • cutting my hair
  • googling cities for future potential home

…now where did i put those scissors?