An elaborately ambiguous adventure

i kept thinking there was another adventure if i would just get off my seat, walk through the doorway into the hallway and go outside. but then intermittent interruptions of thoughts of how dangerous that would be. also interruptions of thoughts of self-consciousness–how i seemed to other ppl. and i thought i seemed like a babbling idiot, a mental hospital patient, mentally yet loquaciously retarded

i attempted to cut myself. for the purpose of remembering to articulate my experience in the morning–it seemed too much of a dream. so i was in the bathroom when this thought occurred to me and proceeded to compel me to write down the word “articulate” but i didn’t have a pen ’cause i was in the bathroom. so i then had the idea of writing it in blood, in my skin. so i started looking for sharp things. like sam’s razors. but i couldn’t figure how to detach the blade from the handle so i ditched that, and went for my necklace. i attempted to carve “articulate” on my arm but it proved too time-consuming so i ditched it at “arl” and the only marks visible are shallow scratches.

it was so frustrating that no one else around me could understand what i waws experiencing or relate to my thoughts. i was in a whole ‘nother reality.

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3 Comments»

  claredelune wrote @

but doesn’t it make you realize that you actually are in a whole other reality?

we need words and images and hand motions to express our feelings and thoughts. without these basic tools for communication we’re essentially alone in our own world because we don’t have the means to communicate. your frustration was caused by at least the fact that you weren’t able to write ‘articulate’ to share with everyone.

  idelac wrote @

that’s very profound.. but it wasn’t so much depressingly isolating as it was delightfully escapist. i could exist in my own world, full of what seemed like revelations because it was just stuff i’d never considered before… but i always knew i would get back to everyone else’s reality, and the rest of the fun would be the challenge in describing what i felt when i would finally be lucid. but it sucks everybody looks down on it because of the social stigma—i think that’s what’s most frustrating overall

  idelac wrote @

though, i realized it’s pretty dangerous for ppl with escapist tendencies…


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